Porn Nation
What's a father to do when an innocent slip-up on the computer enables his daughter to see "paparazzi photos of celebrity nether regions"? Brad Rourke is one of the many parents in America who "feel besieged by a culture around us of non-stop porn."
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As luck would have it, we have a late-summer camp-gap as we get ready for school to start. In our household, both my wife and I work at home. So, day-in, day-out, parents and children are spending a lot of time together.
I was reading what looked like an interesting blog post on some of the differences between the Western and Islamic worlds when it comes to women. The point was that women in fundamental Islamic cultures, who may only go out in public when fully covered from head to toe, may actually have more anxiety over their bodies and weight than do women in more permissive Western cultures. At least according to one report. Fair enough.
It so happened that my middle school age daughter wandered into the room at about this time. Just then, I clicked on a link that looked like it was a humorous aside to a Wikipedia entry. Oops. It opened up a Google image search page of paparazzi photos of celebrity nether regions. None of them were X-rated but they were all very, very R-rated.
There my daughter was, eyeing my computer screen. Of course, I panicked. I fumblingly tried to close the window. It seemed to stay open for hours before disappearing. My daughter asked me the question she wanted to ask, and wandered back out of my office.
It’s things like this that make me and other parents feel besieged by a culture around us of non-stop porn. In my gym there is a flyer advertising an “Urban Striptease” class right next to the flyer for a kids’ ballroom dancing class. In one of the most popular stores for middle- and high-school age clothing, Hollister, the images are all of bikini-clad beach babes and dudes with jam shorts down below their devil’s horns, a faint sense of making out in the rec room wafting through it all. Oh, and in our mall, this store is right across from a Victoria’s Secret.
None of it is explicit. Yet it all skirts the line. None of it is appropriate.
This is not an indictment of the Internet, nor is it a call for censorship. It’s a plea for us all to show some decency and remember how easy it is to pollute the environment around us.
I recall an incident from my past that shames me to this day. I was in my mid-twenties, attending a baseball game with friends. I was a nihilistic little punk, filled with bile for everything. Goodness knows how I ended up at an Angels game. Regardless, I amused myself with running, sarcastic, bitter commentary. I was on a roll. Recalling that I was in a public place, I was not profane and avoided George Carlin’s Seven Words. But, even without swearing, I was as graphic as a sailor. If you know me, you know my voice carries.
Finally, maybe around the fifth inning, a man behind me spoke up. He yelled at me to shut up. I turned and saw he had a young boy with him, maybe nine or ten years old, with a summer buzz cut and a baseball cap. Angry young man that I was, I laughed it off.
But I toned it down and felt inward remorse. It haunts me still, now that I am a father with children of about that age. I didn’t just ruin that man’s baseball game, I polluted his day with vitriol. He, no doubt, had to explain to his son why that man was behaving like he was, talking like he was. Or maybe he didn’t - maybe he just fumed on his way home, hoping his son would forget it.
I benefited from being taken down a peg, there in the moment. In today’s culture, there’s no one for me to take down, no single offender. Everywhere I turn tells my daughter to be sexy, my son to be violent, and both of them to disrespect authority simply on principle.
What is a parent to do? I really am at a loss. Some of my friends say the key is education and fostering an open relationship with our children. Others say there’s nothing wrong with sheltering our offspring longer than they would like. There are tools that help parents band together and make recommendations about appropriate movies to one another.
Sure, it’s all true. None of it is a real answer; none of it gets to the root of the problem which, from a parents’ perspective, is this: Our culture has run amok.
I feebly went to my daughter and asked her if she had seen the page on my screen. Yes, she said. I told her that I had gotten there by accident, that she ought to be careful too. She nodded, yes dad. It was all very lame. The horse was out of the barn, had left long ago.
Some days, it really does feel as if we live in Rome just before its fall.
Brad Rourke writes a column on public life called Public Comments, is founder of a Maryland neighborhood blog called Rockville Central, and is in a band called The West End.
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RELATED LINKS ON PAJAMAS MEDIA:
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22 Comments
Charles Bartleson:Let go.
Aug 28, 2007 - 1:59 am Herr Morgenholz:You can’t control anything.
Don’t try.
Your child is a “hostage of Fate”.
We are all in “God’s hands”.
Face it. Don’t fear it.
Practice trusting in his higher power and have faith.
Hey, it “Takes a Village”, ya know? And half the Village is sans underwear and likes little kids, or wants to be “tolerated” for wearing leather shorts and mouth gags on their annual “Rainbow Days” float.
Not long ago my daughter (7) had a more graphic experience with a pop-up “she-male” ad. If I could figure out how it ended up there I’d have the person responsible jailed.
It seems to be everywhere, and the only solution is draconian supervision. Our elected officials are too busy in airport restrooms to address it….
Aug 28, 2007 - 4:22 am Jason Lee:I have a four year old son, so I’ve been thinking along the same lines since about the time he was born.
I recently found this extension for Firefox (you ARE running Firefox, right? 
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/4351
It’s not perfect, but it has helped cut down on the accidental sites like in this story.
Hope that helps some.
Aug 28, 2007 - 6:58 am BMOON:In the short run,for the besieged parent, it is a war but one that can be won. First, choose your battles carefully. You cannot avoid every exposure of your kids to jiggly flesh or sub-human behavior. You have to relax and laugh a lot of it off. At the same time, it is the parent who has much more influence, when there is love in the house. Paraphrasing what we sang in another context in the 70’s, “Teach your children well. Their father’s hell will slowly go by.”
On the broad front, the only answer, and one that discomfits the libertarian-secular crowd, is to return to a Biblical worldview. Evil exists. It exists in all our hearts. Not everything is “√ñK” and should be permitted.We need to be protected, especially our children from our very selves.
Aug 28, 2007 - 9:29 am Dan:It’s sentiments like this that make me hopeful of what will be denoted a “conservative” shift generally in the society - not for ideological reasons, but simply as a natural expression of pre-political (or maybe meta-political) response to what is unquestionably a degeneration of public expectations of both popular and high culture. I myself am a youngish man possessed with the same impulse to find, hide, and horde, the grownups’ Playboys; I play guitar, was raised on the 60s culture, admired the usual canon of misfit artists and philosophers in my formative years, and to some extent still do. But the fact of the matter is there comes a point when the social norms are in fact a reflection of reasonable social relations, to deviate from which is not a necessary act of revolution or rejection but a paroting of habits with origins in a struggle that has been victorious, continued enactment of which is only a form of destruction, no longer one of creative destruction. It is my firm belief that we have moved beyond the reasonable phase of the revolution - difficult as that may be to satisfactorily describe - and that it is now eating our young. I had a friend who I went to college with (’95-’99) who was raised without being allowed to watch television until she was 16 or so - at which point, she said, she didn’t want to, because most of what was on was stupid. In other words, she simply escaed being inurred or acclimated to what is simply a bad habit. We should find more such common sense approaches to these problems, because they are all easily within our power to remedy. And it’s going to happen sooner or later anyway: the question “liberals” should ask themselves is whether they would like to contribute to the general mellowing of the sex and violence (porn, hiphop/rap), or whether they would like to leave it to the Evangelical Christians they are so mortally afraid of, the rapid increase of whose ranks is largely fuelled by exactly the sentiments the author of this article refers to?
Aug 28, 2007 - 9:46 am Lena in LaLaLand:I’m not sure if the world has changed so dramatically. Sex has always been mankinds main concern. 100 years ago, 500, 1000 I’m sure we’d be seeing very similar things and even things that would shock us 21st century people. There’s always been porn, it’s just been accessed in different ways. I agree that it may be more difficult to protect ones child from being attacked by sordid material on all fronts, but I happen to like the time in which I live. I’m glad to live in a time in which I can choose to view “adult” material or just shut off my television. We do have the right to regulate what comes into and out of our homes, whatsay we focus on that instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing?
Aug 28, 2007 - 11:34 am AndyJ:Give them perspective. Give the kids a frame of reference so that they can associate the sights, sounds and temptations of the world. i.e. “It’s too bad that some women think that all they have are their bodies. They are overlooking the best parts of a person, their personality and abilities”…
Sex will always be on display. Its a lazy way to get to know someone. Some start with sex then move on to the person, or never even care to get to know the person. Some get to know the person and that makes sex all the better… It’s just a part of a relationship. It’s not all of the relationship.
Aug 28, 2007 - 11:52 am Xanthippe:I don’t think things are THAT different, other than computers being in people’s homes now. I think that you have different eyes, now that you’re a parent.
I recall seeing Playboy and Penthouse at the corner store (the covers were not “appropriate” as you say, and were covered by cardboard - sometimes) growing up in the 60s.
Certain movie houses were XXX. Topless bars were advertised in the newspaper and on billboards. Lots of things were advertised on billboards. Cigarettes, booze, sex…
Speaking of advertising, remember the sexually charged airline advertising - “We really move our tails for you?” - and the innuendo with the models/stewardesses?
Things are not so different as any other time. Watch what your kids watch, be engaged with them, discuss expectations and instill values in them.
Aug 28, 2007 - 11:54 am Dan:Forgive me, but, although I understand the temptations of “twas ever thus,” the fact is the conditions today are Quite different than even in my own childhood 15 years ago - and the home-delivery of internet pornography is only one of the differences. It’s time to drop this fatalistic attitude, guys. Things are going rapidly in one direction only.
Aug 28, 2007 - 12:11 pm HerrMorgenholz:I’m with Dan. I don’t recall my parents having to turn the volume down while watching “Ol’ Yeller” so I wouldn’t hear about the problems of four-hour erections. My music didn’t talk about poppin’ caps in dey asses and ho’s. My schoolteachers were at least appropriately red-faced when state-mandated “sex-ed” was taught in eighth grade (not first). We had no Bratz. Or Janet Jackson flashing her rather pathetic rack. Or celebs showing their genitalia in public.
My parents didn’t deal with the utter degenerate overload that I have to deal with. Childhood is being stolen by a culture run off the rails.
Aug 28, 2007 - 1:14 pm Brad Rrourke:Hey, everyone, Brad here. Thanks for the comments.
You know, I used to think ’twas ever thus. Pornography is, after all, derived from a Latin word. But then (yes, Xanthippe, you are right) I started to see things through the eyes of a parent. So, of course I am more concerned about things I used not to be worked up about. For instance, I wish to segregate my middle-school age daughter from all males of her age +/- 4 years.
But, having said that, I agree with Dan and Herr Morgenholz that things are qualitatively different now. Things come into my home that used to be over there, in a movie theater or across the street. Now they are on my desktop.
And, by extension, it is far, far easier for any individual to disseminate material in such a way that it is likely to be seen and cause harm (at least in the moment). And, let me tell you, it is not a valid option when Hustler-style images are on-screen to turn to one’s offspring and try engaging in a philosophical discourse on body image and self-worth. No, what you really want to do is smash the screen!
Many hold that it is not just rude but downright wrong to smoke in public places where others might be affected. Fair enough. Seems to me that we ought to hold that it is just as rude — sorry: wrong — to display pornography in such a way that it might affect others who are not seeking it out.
My call is for people who are entering the public square (that is, when people make statements and create or link to images in public ways) to just remember that. It’s not prudery; it’s respect for those around us.
This is a good conversation, and I am glad it is taking place. I hope it continues. Thanks everyone.
Aug 28, 2007 - 2:19 pm Buzzman:I actually teared up when I read this. I am a father to three children, 7 y/o, 9 month old and a 4 y/o girl.
It would horrify me to no end if an image like that were to pop up on my screen.
It’s already happened to me on regular sommercial television.
I in on my kid watching Reese Witherspoon being masturbated to orgasm on the WB … ( a fklm called FEAR ) He had no idea what was going on,,,,THIS was at 8:30 PM!
I do feel helpless.
Thank you for showing me that I’m not alone.
Aug 28, 2007 - 5:32 pm Herr Morgenholz:“Everywhere I turn tells my daughter to be sexy, my son to be violent, and both of them to disrespect authority simply on principle.”
And that’s just marketing, they tell us.
I don’t know how old your kids are, Brad, but I have two daughters 7 and 6, and “De Boy” will be 3 soon. My oldest has used the word “sexy”, literally, and I have no idea how the hell that happened. The 6 year old is less fashion-conscious, but I’m sure it’s coming. “De Boy”, well he’s not quite 3, so I’ve got a little prep time (and more experience now). But the cultural morass they maneuver every day is a quite sophisticated marketing and image ploy with little bearing on reality. Being kids, addicted as they are to Occam’s famous Razor, they take it on its face, no matter how subtle and insidious I see it to be. Anyway, I’m glad I’m not the only younger parent to notice. It ain’t pretty, and it ain’t leaving any time soon. Good article, Brad.
Aug 28, 2007 - 6:05 pm pchas:I’m with Xanthippe. Growing up in the hood in the 1970’s, I can remember a proliferation of X rated theatres, adult magazines in newsracks, etc. The media may have changed but not the message.
Those who say otherwise seem to all be parents of young children trying desperately to keep them from ever growing up. I have news for you: Trying to keep your children from ever seeing porn is like King Canute trying to turn back the tides. Stop worrying about how to censor adult media outlets and spend time giving your children a healthy attitude toward sex so when they do encounter pornographic java enabled applet they will simply wrinkle their noses and say “eeew, gross”.
Aug 28, 2007 - 6:59 pm Dave Barnes:Get over it.
Aug 28, 2007 - 8:06 pm Cantormania:What to do? School your kids at home. It’s easy. Millions of folks are doing it nowdays. It’s a clear choice: either you catechize your kids, or the world does.
Aug 28, 2007 - 8:35 pm RE:A defining moment for me was when I saw the appalling Chyrsler TV commercial featuring both Lee Iacocca ad Snoop Dogg. Corporate America has embraced porn and sleaze. It crystallized everything for me. Anything for a buck! It’s very depressing.
The best one can hope to do for immediate effect is expose their kids to the consequences of these lifestyles. Let them see the ruined lives. Take them on ‘field trip’ to rehab clinic, a prison, halfway house, AIDS clinic, food-shelter, or a visit with any ex-’whatever’ so they can see with their own eyes where the porn, hip-hop, and ‘rebel’ culture leads. Merely blocking or forbidding it isn’t good enough. It has to be linked with consequences.
Kids are at risk now. Waiting for the culture to change will not help the current generation.
Aug 29, 2007 - 5:50 am Brad Rourke:Hey, folks, here is a link to a fun interview I just did on this for a WPTF (Raleigh, NC) with Jack Boston. If interested.
(”RE”, you have a good point about connecting with consequences and I wish I had seen that before Jack asked “what can we do?”)
–Brad
Aug 29, 2007 - 6:10 am funky chicken:pchas I believe the point is that what used to be confined to “the hood” has proliferated throughout all of society. I just had to explain to my daughter the definition of the word pimp, after she used it to mean “fancied up.”
I live way,way far away from the red light district and send my kids to expensive Christian schools, but still they are exposed on pretty much a daily basis to filth. It’s a tragedy that so many people find it amusing that children today are steeped in a cultural cess pool.
Aug 29, 2007 - 9:34 am Xanthippe:Listening to Brad’s interview, I have an answer to the question “What is a parent to do?”
Use technology to your advantage.
Use Firefox for a browser and block popups on your computer. Not only will you have fewer viruses, but no more popups except those you allow. Low tech solution: don’t use a computer.
Install a TiVo. Use the parental controls. Don’t let the kids watch live TV. Fast forward through commercials. Low tech solution: don’t use a TV.
Parents aren’t without tools to block inappropriate materials. In fact, parents now have more power to censor than they used to.
It’s much more effective to fix the problem you have yourself than to try to change other people’s behavior. The world won’t be childproofed.
Aug 29, 2007 - 11:58 am Brad Rourke:Brad here again. Just had a really interesting conversation on WCHS-AM in Charleston, WV. Mike Agnello is a great interviewer.
It focused on the issue that is really on my mind with this…the ubiquity of this stuff. I can filter out a lot of stuff, and I use all the tools at my disposal to do that. It’s when you DON’T expect it that is irritating.
I know one voice can’t change society. But is it too much to ask for people to ratchet down a little bit when it comes to forums that are fully open and accessible to all?
Anyway, Xanthippe, those are all good resources. I also am a BIG fan of ClearPlay (DVD filtering), Common Sense Media, and ScreenIt (family-friendly reviews of media).
Aug 29, 2007 - 1:38 pm dewdawg:Whenever I find myself at a standstill regarding a modern American issue such as the one Brad brought out in his article, I usually turn to history to compare and contrast. My favorite touchstone has been the quotations of “Mark Twain”, Samuel Clemens, who I consider one our country’s greatest social and political observers and who usually sheds a light on things even today.
On The Moral Sense:
“There is a moral sense and there is an immoral sense. History shows that the moral sense enables us to see morality and how to avoid it, and that the immoral sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it.”
“Whenever I look at the other animals and realize that whatever they do is blameless and they can’t do wrong, I envy them the dignity of their estate, its purity and its loftiness, and recognise that the Moral Sense is a thoroughly disastrous thing.”
On Reform:
“That desire which is in us all to better other people’s condition by having them think as we think.”
“You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him and only waiting.”
On Ideals:
“It is at our mother’s knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals, but there is seldom any money in them.”
On Children:
“The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it.”
On Affection:
“Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection–that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement.”
I’m not sure if my selections cleared anything up particularly, but I would say this: I beleive that as long as there are affectionate parents, their children will turn out fine, no matter what the larger society imposes along the way. Very good article, Brad - thought provoking.
Aug 29, 2007 - 5:59 pm