"Remember that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark? Those melting Nazis looked like this:"

J*s*s Chr*st those American's have big p*ckers!

Jacques Chirac works hard on his look of utter disbelief, preparing for the announcement of the discovery of WMDs in liberated Iraq.

"This is my impression of George Bush choking on a pretzel."

Having shown himself incapable of speaking any sense, Chirac becomes a mime.

It took three posts to get this...

"See, I'm surrendering!"

Who let in all these Turks?

Jacques Chirac slips on a banana peel, left behind by a fellow cheese-eating surrender monkey.

"Allow me to show you how the French do the macarena!"

I am not a crook!

ah!! jews!!!

"It's not my fault - it's the cheese! It's the cheese...!"

Rumsfeld entered the room looking anoyed

although I did cut some illegal arms deals with Iraq I did not cut the cheese

its a farkism but -

"ITS A TRAP!!!"

Constipation Happens.

Chirac's reaction after being asked if he, like John Kerry, has Jewish ancestors.

"Iocane powder. I'd bet my life on it."

Jacques Chirac demonstrates the historic and often used French I Surrender Move.

"You want me to eat AMERICAN cheese while I surrender? Mon Dieu!"

Eek! Michael Jackson!

and when I bent over Saddam put his hands on my back like this ...

Here comes Alterman.....and he's all tongue. Blech!

No! Saddam! Why are you pointing that thing at me? I'm your best friend in the world!

Non! Non! We *cannot* use the codename "Vichy" for our new Iraq plan!

Mon Dieu! No more questions about the "fabrique en France" stickers on those chemical weapons components!

"Put it away, Gerhard!"

Ah, sacre bleu, American Cheese!

--Jacques Chirac preairs for his debut on American Idol--

"Come on baby do it now -- everybody's leanin' how... surfin USA...."

"Ok, ok, here's my impression of Robert Deniro getting run over by a truck"

"Look out! New Europe is coming right for us!"

And Finally....

"HEEEYYY MACARENA!"

Damned gerbil.

"...and zen, zat feelthy Scrappleface...nom de Cochon!"

"French President Jacque Chirac is ambushed and fellated by a crazed anti-war activist (out of frame)."

Even more entertaining is that he was standing next to Hosni Mubarak when that picture was taken -- see this FARK Photoshop contest...

Chirac reacting to news that the United States has just promoted France from the Axis of Weasels to the Axis of Evil and asked new ally Albania to invade by the end of the week.

Planes into the Eifel Tower?! Mon dieu!

I would say to them "You want ice cream cone?" ...both of them say yes... How in the helll?!??

Oh, if only I'd known Saddam's anthrax was genetically modified!

Mon Dieu! What eez ziss "Euro-weenie" of which you speak? Surely you do not mean moi!

Chirac is caught on video tape being asked to translate "primate capitulards et tou-jours en quete de fromages" into German.

The life of a statesman is not all pomp and circumstance. Here President Chirac reenacts a scene from his favorite Jerry Lewis movie, "Which Way to the Front?"

"Look Ma! No Hands"

"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A..."

"singes de reddition qui mangent du fromage!"

Wait, that's my piano!

I tell you, my name is too Victor Borge!

And then, there was a tack when I sat down!

Eet was not my faulte!! Zee Germans made me do eet.

Following French tradition, French President Chirac gauges the prevailing wind from available fascist dictatorships.

"See? It's like walking on eggshells, all this diplomacy I'm having to do. But I'm French, I can handle it, at least when you're walking on eggshells your hands are halfway to surrender. No wonder I'm so well-suited to it..."

Saddam wants me to swallow?

You call this steaming pile of recycled grad-student nonsense a reason for a war?

http://cryptome.org/mi6-mi6.htm chapter and verse on the inaccurate, slapped-together british dossier

It's simple..

I SURRENDER !!!!!

My Good God. Rumsfeld is strangling my aide! And he's got the German PM in a headlock! It's the Donald Rumsfeld Strangler! RUN!!!! Vite vite vite! Allez!

Sarin? Did you say Sarin? Mon dieux.

"Oh God... what's that smell?" Mr. Chirac said before his advisors told him that it was just the fresh air.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.

I'm just a caveman, confused by your strange, modern ways..

Just before his death, French President Jacques Chirac could be heard screaming, "God damn! It's gonna blow, everybody run for your lives!"

Est-ce que je me suis rendu à vous encore?

That's how most Frenchmen react when they smell someone who just took a bath.

Chirac is caught with his pants down, getting Monica type treatment from Saddam.

Protect Trukey??.....NOT ON MY WATCH!!

A few.

- Stand back! I can launch ze "snot-rocket" using no hands!

- "Of ze top of my head, I can sink of ten Middle Eastern dictators we would surrender to."

- "Marcel Marceau has nothing on me!"

- He has just been informed that the Cote d'Ivoirians actually own weapons.

"KAMERAD! KAMERAD!"

First my balls, now my teeth!

SOMEBODY STOLE MY LE CAR!

"Why hello, Herr Obergruppenführer! Yes, I know exactly where the Jewish refugees are hidden. If you will just follow me . . ."

Zut! It eez ze Katzenjammer Kids -- I give up!

"Mon Dieu! It is a full bath, and it is filled vit many soaps and cleansing fragrances! Run away! Run away!"

Chirac defends himself against charges of anti-Semitism after declaring Shar'ia Law.

His wife just suggested shaving her armpits.

"Throw out your hands...
Stick out your tush...
Hands on your hips...
Give 'em a push...

Don't be surprised now, you're doing
the French Mistake!

VOILA!

President Chirac, upon being informed that the US has decided to formally renounce its NATO obligations to protect France in the event of war: "Now, now, zair is no need for zee nice Americains to ovairreact! I'm sure we can work somesing out!"

"You know how much I love to watch you work. But I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."

What?! Alec Baldwin really IS coming to live here?!? Zut alors!

We've been kicked out of NATO! That means NATO has us surrounded!

Sacre Bleu! The elastic in my new thong is pulling on my testicle hairs!

President Chirac doing his other weasel impression.

They say the French are always surrendering with hands up...zis is not true.
I can surrender with my hands like this and a Clouseauesque grimace...

caption: " German reporter asks Chirac a Question"

Jacques Chirac learns he will spend eternity in Hell where he will do nothing but eat McDonald's and service Saddam Hussein and his doppelgangers.

Chirac tells Colin Powell: Talk to zee handz becauze zee face don't give a damn.

"SOAP?!?"

Actually he just remembered how we kicked the Vichy French's ass when we faced off with them in North Africa.

"Jacques Chirac, when faced with the prospect of commitment to his allies."

The Saddam dildo I have up my keister just turned itself on!

Profile in Courage with white chair and microphones.

"It's a bill for repayment of the Marshall Plan plus fifty years of interest? Mon Dieu! We might have to extend the work week to thirty-five hours to pay that off!"

Why do all these rats keep following me around

Sacre bleu! Who put ze super glue in ze brie?!

Don't tell Emmannuelle, but I really AM a cheese-eating surrender monkey.

Jacques Chirac learns that U.S. Senator John McCain is attending his press conference.

"NON, NON, NON -- theeze eez not a uzed car! It eez brand neuf, never driven at all! 'Ow could you sank uddervize?"

Jacques Chirac rejects a vertebral transplant, via the rectum.

At least one clarinet will be saved!

Look Jacques, German tanks!

Hehe....just kidding.

Hillary pull your skirt back down!

"Nosseeng to see here, peepel..."

I like ze cheese, and I like to, how do you say, surrender, but I am not un monkey!

"French President Chirac opend the 2003 All France Give Up Games today by throwing out the first capitulation."

"Hands up...2...3...shout Kamarade...2...3...!"

"Thank Heaven! For Iraqi dictators...."

Je ne comprends pas. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'un "weasel?"

george: i'm sorry, jacques. let's kiss and make up.
jacques: !!!!

Chirac: "gaaah! Don't Shoot! I surrender"

Photographer: "Relax Prime Minister, it's only a camera."

I've been surrendering my ass off today. I can hardly get my arms up anymore.

Is that a warhead in your pocket or are you just glad to see me Saddam.

French President Jacques Chirac on learning Germany has occupied Alsace Lorraine

Unnerved by the sudden rush of reporters to the podium, President Jacques Chirac displays the natural defense mechanism of the French.

Later, he was seen to surrender to an inquisitive flock of pigeons.

'Ow do you drive thees Segway? Mon Dieu!

My suppository, she ees on fire!!

Two words:

Weasel Face.

He's a Transformer, only he's not turning into a machine - he's really a snapping turtle. Look at that snout!

Chirac surrendering to the US Secretary of Defense after belatedly realizing that Rumsfeld is a German name.

What's that smell?

Oh - it's me.

Billy Jean is not my lover ...

- M. Chirac's initial reaction when his chauffered Peugeot backfires.

- M. Chirac on hearing the word "Gesundheit".

"Watch me as I demonstrate my method for getting Saddam to stop manufacturing WMDs. Eet ees highly effective, non? Just like ze Maginot line."

French President Jaques Chirac, shown here responding to the question "what is the minimum number of chicken hawks in the Bush administration?"

Oh my God! You mean, I'm Jewish?

"What do you MEAN Jerry Lewis isn't revered here??

"Sacre bleu! I smell. . . a McDonald's!"

I believe it is the middle of a 3 part photo series where ol'Jacques shows reporters the proper French salutation when faced with an armed opponent.

That would be "show fear" and "put your hands in the air slowly".

"You fart in my general direction!"

Il y a un weasel dans mon cul!
There is a weasel stuck in my rear!

A shower?!? Non, non! It is only Thursday!

You mean Joe ISN'T a millionaire?

Give up my mistress?

"I'm shocked, positively shocked to find out there is terrorism going on here.
This palace is to be closed immediately."

Hey Jacques, do that turtle thing again!

Jacques Chirac comes to terms with what being French means in the modern world.

"Chirac learns the hard way about the brown acid..."
or
"Nope, no blood on these hands...yet."

You're mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!

I'm in TEXAS!

Hey I got a question - why is the fact that Iraq might have missles that can go less than a hundred miles, and no nukes to put on them, more important than North Korea actually having a missle that can hit the United States, and nukes to tip them with?

OK, go back to your circle jerk...

Gigi
Am I a fool without a mind
Or have I merely been too blind to realize
Oh Gigi

"Somebody just shoved a weasel up my axis!"

Don't shoot, we're French.

Chirac's shock from the vacuum created by pulling his head out of his ass...

Zis is what my French soldiers look like JUST as zey start to surrender.

"You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

A giant methane cloud arrived in France today as the American street farts in Mr. Chirac's general direction.

aw crap! i can't hold this fart any longer!

Be vewwy vewwy quiet... we're hunting wabbits.

AP -- French President Jacques Chirac is overcome by emotion has he announces to his people that the West Coast of the United States has just been attacked by a nuclear-tipped North Korean missile... speaking from an undisclosed, well-fortified bunker, President George W. Bush quipped "Looks like I got me the superfecta now!" He then declared himself President-for-Life and instituted martial law "for the forseeable future"...

"Fatima! Houri, darling! Don't kiss me! The British and American press are watching!"

But of cource we think Sherry Lewis was a genius, with zee Lamb Chop, and zee Charlie Horse... Vat, you thought ve vere saying, "Jerry Lewis"? Zut alors!

Oh, and trol-boy Dave: We're going after Saddam with guns blazing because he can't vaporize a city yet. You have to be rather more circumspect with a dictator once they have nukes. Or would you rather have to explane to the people that L.A. is gone because we went off half cocked?

"Hold on, they plaigiarized their so-called report, and now they want me to agree to protect a country from an attack in a war we aren't fighting? Next thing you know, they'll be threatening boycotts and the severing of diplomatic ties! ...They are?

God, I wish we hadn't saved their asses from the British. Things would be so much easier."

"Why are you calling me 'Dave'?"

*Sacre bleu! They've discovered my secret identity! Back to the bunker! Thank goodness I stocked it with cheese, wine, Jerry Lewis videos, and rude waiters!*

It's nice to be noticed...

Hi, Jesse!

" Wow, usually it's me kissing Saddams' ass!"

Sacre Bleu! What did I step in? Schroeder! you BAD little poodle!

Glenn Reynolds reacts in abject horror to the onslaught of comments.

(Sorry, but it was just irresistible.)

Heh. There are rather a lot of comments here, aren't there?

a little something we like to call the "Sh*t Where You Stand". You clap your hands loud, and assume The Position.

Mon dieu! Minister Powell, you reek of soap and aftershave!

Jacques demonstrates to the press what the rest of the world will be missing.
The beloved french mime and wall of glass routine.

Hey Georgie Bush, regardez-moi. I unclog my nose in your direction and I wave my private parts at your aunties!

The tragic result of an attempt to combine a Gallic shrug with a sneer of condescension.

Sacre! That was American Cheese at the NATO luncheon?????

"Oh mon Dieu! Il y a comment beaucoup de plumes blanches dans ma boîte à lettres?"

Eerie resemblance to the expression on the face of the crying man in Marseilles in 1940, as the French colors are paraded to a ship for exile to North Africa/

Larry Kudlow's brain finally deflates from trying to reconcile the contradictions in Bush's budget stance.

Chirac, Circa Dec 2000: The supreme court did *what*?

Strom Thurmond gets some plastic surgery.

"i stepped in what?"

My humble suggestions:

"Unable to persuade the United States to back away from war with Iraq, French President Jacques Chirac tries casting a magic spell instead."

Or:

"Tell Gerhard I'm not home!"

Mon dieu! I'm mutating from a cheese-eating surrender monkey into a leaf-eating appeasement tortoise!

Americans SKIN weasels! Nobody told me that!

I dropped my rifle on my toe.

The Americans have no proof Iraq is hiding weapons in France!

Wait...Wait...Wait...I think a material breach just occurred in my panties!

ASK Le Jeeves!

God, Evelyn, cover that thing up!

Reuters caption time:

BRUSSELS, Feb. 12 (Reuters) - French President Jacques Chirac demonstrates for reporters how he reacted to news of the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, which the United States has blamed on Saudi dissident Osama bin Laden. Human rights around the world have been a casualty of the U.S. "war on terror" since September 11.

Chirac sees Germans. Six more weeks of dithering at the UN.

NO! NO! Not without a condom!

No joke here, just wondering if anyone else thinks this dude looks just like Lyndon Johnson?

Jacques Chirac learns to his shock that some people actually believed Colin Powell's speech to the UN contained any evidence.

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

The French eat cheese that smells like feet and force their own children to drink wine? Mon dieu, but of course!

VELVEETA?!?!?!?

"What do you mean the Americans will not help us get the terrorists who destroyed Paris?!! We have always been the closest of allies!"

I'M MELTING!!!!

What a world...what a world...

You mean to tell me this Glenn Reynolds guy, the one who runs the most overrated blog on earth, is an actual *professor*?

Yep. Eat your heart out, Jacques!

French President Jacques Chirac does his impression of Joe Lieberman.

this is my impression of a turtle....

But I have already surrendered! What do you mean, "No cheese"?!?!

But I have already surrendered! What do you mean, "No cheese"?!?!

"I'm a wild and crazy guy!"

Tap, tap, tappity tap (cue music from the Film "Chicago") Give 'em the old razzle dazzle...

The French Punxatawney Phil sees his shadow -- and promptly surrenders.

Sacre bleu! Didn't anyone ground this microphone?

"I did not have sex with "Frenchie" from American Idol, I only browsed her web site."

hold on -- I'm about to sneeze....

hold on -- I'm about to sneeze....

"i think i shit myself"

Oh no! My shadow! I can't surrender for six weeks!

"Oh my God! They're dogs...and they're playing poker!!!"

"Sacre Bleu! Marie Warner is one of the terrorists!"

(Anybody get that one?)

"OK, Saddam! When ze Bradley tanks show up at your palace, go like zeece!"

JACQUES CHIRAC finally "caught wind" of his people

Woa!!! Was George W. walking his dog here?

(respectful) Advice to "fellated" posts...

You'll get more snap from phallic galluses
Than ever you will from Gallic phalluses.

Someone yet again pulls out that photo of him shaking hands with monsieur LePen.

"Must have been the foie gras !!"

"Weeeeeeee want the Funk! Give up the Funk!"

So she says I semll like a monkey eating cheese and does this.

How can it be? You mean we are not running l'Europe? But it was our idea!

The staggering result of French President Jacques Chirac getting his panties in a bunch when he discovers he and his country are completely irrelevant.

The American want to defend WHO from an Iraqi assault?

And then the Syrian president's wife turned me down! Moi!

P.S. Glad you enjoyed the Joe Millionaire joke. :)

HEEEY!! I feel good....

I knew that I would now.....

"What? Abeam.blogspot.com was actually Jim Treacher? No.......way.........!"

M. Le Presidente's habit of stuffing excruciatingly large rubber objects into his rectum was known to occasionally cause episodes of hysterical blindness, often at inconvenient moments.

STOP!... HAMMER TIME!

Dude...I'm so wasted. That was some killer weed.

Me? In league with terrorists? Never!

The Raelians have cloned a middle-aged Hitler?!?!?! And he wants the Eiffel Tower back?!?!!!!!!!!

I'm shocked - shocked - to find WMD development is going on in here!
*cough* Osirak *cough*

NO, NO, NO!! Saddam may be a drinking buddy but he got those centrifuges from the OTHER weasel...er....

My face may say "Walter Brennan" but my hands say "June, 1940". Get over here for some hot lovin', Saddam, you silly man.

Wha..? No weapons of mass surrender, here, no sirree!

Hey that just my freindly snapping turtle pose!

Reuters caption:

Jacques Chirac demonstrates his disgust with Israeli actions in response to the Intifada in the Palestinian Territories. Over 1,200 Palestinians have died in the Territories from IDF assaults since the Intifada began.

Jacques is repulsed by the sight of a young mademoiselle with no visible body hair.

"What? There is Botulism toxin in the Perrier? But Saddam said he was my friend!"

"Owweeeee! Mee lace thong pantees have mee tessicles in le Kung Fu Grip!

Is it a weasel or a groundhog that's supposed to see its shadow?

Yikes! Saddam serves California wine! Never! THEESE IS THA SMOKIN' GUN, how you say? The UN has presented its shocking evidence. I will go home now.

Jacque Chirac surrenders the French nation to a fearsome pygmy army.

OK, OK Dominique! I'm convinced that you really are a man now.

What is that strange smell? ...DEE-OH-DOR-ANT???!

But, I swear, I WAS in the French Resistence!

When asked, "How much more time do you think the inspectors will need?"
Chirac replied....

"Landshark!"

Mon Dieu! Who said JDAM?

I told George "je t'aime", and he sent JDAM!

Jacques Chirac practices looking down his nose at people.

"Nice doggies...niiiiice doggies..."

"Mon dieux! I smell French people!"

Colin Powell challenges Jacques Chirac to a fist fight.

"Two million French men died in wars in the last 100 years... why do Americans think they've got a monopoly on guts? And why this urge to shit in someone else's backyard? Americans would be Brits if we hadn't helped you in the revolution. You call this bellowing gratitude?"

As another place captioned this pic, so shall I:

"You can almost see the rifle at his feet..."

Chirac suddenly realises that 'Rumsfeld' is a German name.

They use cow's blood to clarify wine?!?! No!!!

Jacques Chirac suddenly realizes that most of the soldiers at Normandy in 1944 couldn't speak French.

vous n'avez pas vu la tête de votre président !
VIVE LA FRANCE

allez vous faire foutre bande de nase rien d autre a ffaire que de critiquer les autres....!!!!!
Penser a vous regarder et a vous demander l image que vous avez dans le reste du monde !

connards!

Réfutation brillante. Si logique.

No, not really.

Poland has its own opinion

No Poland, if the Germans tell you to do something the action is this.

"Jacques Chirac rejects a vertebral transplant, via the rectum.

Posted by: Steven on February 12, 2003 08:25 PM"

I think you mean IMPLANT, as 'transplant' would imply that he was something other than a spineless amphibian before the procedure.

Be cool, honeybunny.

CHEMICAL WEAPONS?? IN IRAQ??

SADDAM LIED TO US??

HOW CAN THIS BE??

Chirac unsuccessful tries to maintain his composure as he realizes his Gucci shoes and socks are being pulled off by a homeless man hired by Tony Blair