Instapundit Extra!

November 13, 2001

CONTEST WINNERS! The assignment was

CONTEST WINNERS! The assignment was to write lyrics to "If I Were a Taliban," to the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man." Competition was stiff, and I had to disqualify some entries for being just too, well, dirty. I mean, this mezine is aimed at an adult audience, but not at an Adult Audience, if you get my drift. So those probably belong at alt.sex.bestiality.camels or something. But anyway, from among the not-too-dirty-for-InstaPundit crowd, the winner is by Greg Decker:

If I were a Taliban
ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ululalating
All day long I'd run from all the bombs
if I were a Tal-i-ban

I'd have some things to hate, hah!
ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ululalating
If I were a turban wearing bitch,
camel-banging, bearded Taliban

I'd see my mullah, Osama looking like a hyp-o-crite
as he's hiding in a cave
ordering suicide bombers to his heart's delight

I'd see him going on video and ordering a jihad
Oy! What a nasty fix he's in!
Hiding from the bombers, day and night.

If I were a Taliban
ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ululalating
All day long I'd run from all the bombs
if I were a Tal-i-ban

I'd have some things to hate, hah!
ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ululalating
If I were a turban wearing bitch,
camel-banging, bearded Taliban

I'd hide my soldiers in the schools and the mosques
surrounded by the women and the kids
Then use them all as shields from our mortal foe

I'd see my buildings all blowing up,
as the bombs, all the bombs are falling down.
Oh here comes another! Time to go!

If I were a Taliban
ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ululalating
All day long I'd run from all the bombs
if I were a Tal-i-ban

I'd have some things to hate, hah!
ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ulu-ululalating
If I were a turban wearing bitch,
camel-banging, bearded Taliban

Runner up, by Charlie Banks (this might have won if he could have carried this off for several verses):

If I were a Taliban
Topple-Kabul-for-Osama-boy-was-that-completely-dumb,
All day long I'd hop between the bombs
If I were a Taliban;
I wouldn't have to fight hard
Hell-with-Ramadan-just-run-before-your-home-becomes-a-slum,
If I were a chicken-gutted-bitch,
Lady-beating-wussy-Taliban.

And although, technically, it's not within the rules of the contest, the panel of judges (me) couldn't resist awarding an honorable mention to this entry by Allen S. Thorpe -- lyrics to the tune of a different song, "If I Were a Carpenter, and You Were a Lady":

If I were a Taliban,
And you were a lady,
Would you marry me and be my slave,
to work and turn out babies?

If you were my property,
And stayed in your burqa,
Would you stay ignorant,
And be a good worker?

I'll save my love for other wives,
Make you live with sorrows.
I'll give you the back of my hand,
and destroy all your tomorrows.

If my Kalashnikov were my prize,
And I treat you as subhuman
Would keep your neck bowed down,
And act like a woman?

This is Allah's place for you,
To be my inferior,
Women are are men's pleasure toys,
My dog is their superior.

I'm not sure the line about the Kalashnikov scans, but what the hell.